Faith

"No trial has come to you but what is human. God is faithful and will not let you be tried beyond your strength; but with the trial he will also provide a way out, so that you may be able to bear it." - 1 Corinthians 10:13

This particular bible verse was emailed to me today (thanks Dad) and it definitely fits with what we are going through.  Our faith is extremely important in getting us through this entire ordeal.  Time and time again we have to remind ourselves that the good Lord will not give us anything we cannot handle.  We also know that this is a short term problem and one day we will look back on it and realize how much stronger it has made all of us, especially Emma.  But that doesn't change the fact that it is very difficult right now.  All the good reports we get from the doctors (and we get many more positive ones than negative ones) don't change the fact that our baby is sitting in a hospital instead of in our house with the rest of us.  This isn't something you ever prepare yourself for mentally or emotionally because it's not supposed to happen like this.  But through faith, we are able to make it through this trying time, knowing that we can handle this.  Otherwise, God wouldn't have chosen this for us.  There will be an end to this, a very joyous end when Emma comes home to us.  Until then, we will continue to know that we can get through this.  We have to get through this.  If Emma can do it, so can we.

Developments today were mixed, but good overall.  About the same time I was writing last night, the doctors and nurses were making an adjustment to Emma.  They put her back on the high flow air instead of the low flow they had her on for the last 4 or 5 days.  They felt that the number of A's and B's she was having was concerning and they wanted to give her a break.  She's on lower pressure than she was the last time she was on the high flow, so that's encouraging.  They made a lot of adjustments to her last week, testing her to see what she could handle.  They removed the caffeine, they put her on low flow oxygen, they upped her feedings, and they removed her humidity.  So that was quite a bit for her to handle.  She got a little tired, so they decided to give her a little break and increase her air flow again.  She's doing very well with this new (or old, depending on how you look at it) setup.

This morning, she had her first eye exam.  At this point they want to make sure that the blood vessels in her eyes are developing as they should be.  They call it "vascularizing" (and I have no idea if I spelled that right or not, and quite frankly, I don't care).  The blood vessels in our eyes apparently start out small in the middle of our eyes and very early in life (and in most babies it happens in the womb, but with preemies it has to happen outside) they grow and stretch out across the entire eye.  They checked to make sure that she's vascularizing as she should be and determined that she is. They will check her again in a couple weeks to make sure she's still moving along at the right pace, but they were pleased with what they saw today.  The exam itself is a little traumatizing most times though.  In fact, it can cause them to have apnea during or immediately afterwards.  They have to dilate her eyes and then hold them open with prongs.  If you've ever had lasik surgery, they basically use those same things to hold her eyes open.  And then with the bright light they shine into her eyes it makes them want to close instinctively, but they're pried open.  They do this quickly and parents are encouraged NOT to be present.  We had no plans of attending as I'm sure it would have been just as traumatic for us as it was for her.  But she passed her first eye exam and she didn't even come close to any apnea episodes.

The whole deal with gaining 2 and a half ounces in one day was, in fact, false.  She "lost" half an ounce last night when they weighed her.  So in essence, she gained 2 ounces over 2 days, which is exactly the pace they want her to follow.  We were totally expecting this by now.  The first time it happened (as is often the case with most of the "firsts" we've experienced through this trial) we freaked out.  "SHE LOST WEIGHT??  WHAT????  HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?  WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?  IS SHE GOING TO BE OK?"  But through the last month we've gotten used to this happening.  She'll have a huge gain of 60 or 70 grams one night, and then come down about 15 or 20 the next night.  That's probably one of the few things we've gotten used to, but it's something at least!  The trend there is definitely going in the right direction as she's still up roughly a pound from her birth weight, and well over a pound from her lowest weight.  There's still a long way to go but she'll get there.  And then when she gets home we'll definitely fatten her up.  Her big sister beefed up nicely once we got a hold of her!  She was 16 or 17 pounds at 6 months.  That's how we roll, we make babies fat in our house.  So look out Emma!  Once you come home, you're gonna be in for some serious weight gain.

We're sticking with the whole 1 step forward, 2 steps back theme this week.  No one other than us has been alarmed by it.  The doctors and nurses have all seen this a thousand times.  They expect it, they know how to handle it.  They are coaching us through this whole thing as well.  They've been absolutely wonderful with how they explain everything to us and make us feel comfortable (as comfortable as possible anyway).  Emma's getting spoiled with great care right now in the hospital.  And when she comes home she's going to get spoiled in a whole different way with love from every direction imaginable!  We continue to hear from different folks every day offering encouraging words.  Some folks have reached out to us more than once (and this is totally encouraged, please feel free to send well wishes whenever you feel compelled to do so) and some folks just pop up out of the blue.  But definitely more days than not we've gotten an encouraging note, phone call, email, card, or some other form of communication.  We definitely feel very fortunate and loved to be getting so many well wishes from so many folks in so many different places.  Thank you so much. We are saving everything so one day we can show Emma just how much she's been loved from birth.